there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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