Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
