Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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