Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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