mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
