I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
