Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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