answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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