you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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