proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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