He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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