I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
