im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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