I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
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You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
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I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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