I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
