super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?