We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
