if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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