I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
