haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
