I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
