Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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