My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
