youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
