So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
