We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My vagina just recognized that song.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
