I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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