when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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