Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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