So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
