The police scanner is talking about you again....
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
