My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
