new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
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There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
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Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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