I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
