I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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