Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
