There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
