i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
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just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
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I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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