I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
