It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize