just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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