you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize