I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just pee around me
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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