I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
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You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
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She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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