My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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