I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
