What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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