Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
