You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
