I faked an abortion last night.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
