He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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