Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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