well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
