I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
