The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
