hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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